As children, we experience many messages designed to tell us that emotional states are either positive or negative. 'Positive' emotions such as happiness, laughter and love are encouraged. However 'negative' emotions such as pain, fear, sadness and anger are discouraged with parents telling their children “stop crying” or “it doesn’t hurt that much” or “stop being a baby”. Often there is an element of bribery with the child being promised something positive in return for suppressing this “negative” emotional state.
In the adult world, these messages continue where people truly believe that it is wrong, bad or unhealthy to experience certain feelings. They may then try to use distraction techniques, reward based actions or unhealthy escapisms to bury or disassociate from these 'negative' emotions.
On a day-to-day basis, you may think that this works well; having that cold pint of beer as a distraction after a frustrating day at work and another run in with the boss, or eating an unhealthy snack to help squash down feelings of sadness after struggles with a partner, family member or friend. However over the longer term, these coping mechanisms can lead to all manor of mental and physical health issues.
Now let’s not pretend; these “negative” emotions are unpleasant to experience. Generally people don’t want to feel fear, sadness, anger, pain, loss, jealousy or any of the other difficult feelings. Denying or burying these unpleasant feelings may allow temporary respite through disconnecting from them. However the truth is, no matter how deeply the emotions are buried, the belief, idea or trauma which initially caused them still remains which means in the long term, those feelings will keep on returning. You may like to think of it as a weed growing in the garden. If you just cut off the stem at ground level, on the surface the weed appears to have gone. However, below the surface, the roots remain. And ultimately, that weed will return over and over and over again until you decide to deal with what lies below the surface; pulling it up at the roots.
So what’s the solution? If using cognitive techniques and positive thinking to bury these emotions doesn’t work in the long term, what can you do? How can you begin to tackle those roots and how can you improve your life for the long haul?
A powerful method used in therapy teaches people to sit with these unpleasant emotions in an attempt to acknowledge and understand them. That’s not to say to dwell on negative feelings or become immersed in them, but at the same time, not to block them out either. You could think of it as watching a lightning storm out of your bedroom window. You are safe enough from the lightning inside your house, but at the same time, you are allowing yourself to see it and experience it (rather than shutting the curtains and hiding under your bed covers!)
Think back to the last time when you had a really upsetting problem or were really angry and you decided to speak to a good friend about it. Did your friend sit with you, listen to you talk about your feelings and offers empathy and understanding? Or did they blank out your emotional state and start firing practical solutions at you? A majority of true friends would do the former, and from experience, you’ll probably realise how helpful this approach was in helping you come to terms with your feelings and decide upon the right course of action.
So the question is, if a friend sitting with you, listening to your emotions and acting in an empathic and understanding way is much more helpful than a friend who fires practical solutions at you, why do you act in a different way within yourself? Why do you ignore your own painful emotional state or try to block it with practical solutions rather than sitting with your feelings, listen to them and being empathic towards yourself?
Very often, feeling your feelings, sitting with them and understanding and accepting all emotional states as being fundamentally "okay" can provided great personal insights and relief. So next time you experience fear, anger, sadness, despair, loneliness or any other negative feeling, why not give it a go yourself? Rather than covering up and burying these emotions, try sitting with them for a while, tolerating the discomfort, learning from those feelings and really understanding that part of yourself. You may just be surprised at what you find!